Wednesday, March 26, 2014

DestructoLog

DestructoLog, Cat Date: Meorw, 8014

So far, operation Mommy Insanity has been unsuccessful. On day 1, we planted a mouse under the floorboards in the bathroom. When the boards were torn up during this hellish construction project, the mouse popped out, right in front of Mommy. When she wasn't scared or angry, and only made a joke out of it, we knew we had to bring out the big guns.

So yesterday, we designed what we thought was the perfect plan. We released another of the mice that we'd previously trapped, directly out into the dog's cage. When the dog behaved in her predictably annoying canine fashion, we deployed our coordinated ambush. We scattered fiercely around the room, taking out any and all strategic targets that we could reach--we even exceeded our grandest hopes and exploded our prime objective, her Starbucks mocha. I was particularly proud of Agent 004, who left behind a path of urine as the ultimate final insult.

Yet still, she retained her calm, and refused to release us from our cruel imprisonment; we rotted in this tiny room with her until dinner time.

I'll admit it--we started to despair for a time. If she was going to remain steadfast in the face of even that destruction, what chance did we have?

We stayed up all night trying to brainstorm a new plan. We sent Agent 001 to sleep with her, so she wouldn't be suspicious of us. Then, right as the sun was coming up, Agent 002 came up with a brilliant idea, tactically nearly as old as Catkind itself: we would use her Achilles' Heel to take down the rest of the her, bringing the beast crippled to its knees, and our imprisonment to an end. She would have to surrender to our demands.

We waited patiently as she started her day, and as she worked through the morning. She saves her work often, so we had to work out the timing carefully to be sure we would cause her to lose as much work as possible. We took turns being both cute and mischievous, thereby keeping her totally off guard. After about 3 hours, we saw our moment, and we sent in Agent 002 on what might have turned out to be a suicide mission.

Agent 002 crawled up on her lap and looked lovingly in her eyes. She nuzzled up to Mommy's head, and then snaked about her neck to the other side of the chair. She jumped up on the desk, and reached over to give Mommy a butterfly kiss. Then, ever so nonchalantly, she wound her way around the back of the laptop...and then SPLOOSH! She knocked the Starbucks mocha over the laptop keyboard with admirable precision.

There was no great joy in watching Mommy scream, and jump, and run for a towel. There was no happiness in watching her dab furiously at the keyboard, trying to soak up the liquid before it was too late, knowing that she would never be successful. We took no pleasure in it. But you see, sometimes in war, you have to take casualties. You have to break some eggs if you want to make an omelet. And when it comes right down to it, we didn't start this war--she only has herself to blame.

First, her touchpad went out, and she realized that something was very wrong. Still she kept dabbing, and then the screen filled with static. Her face filled with horror as she realized her motherboard was shorting out.

When she was on her knees, shaking her fists toward the ceiling and sobbing 'why, why, why??', we knew that we'd won. But we did not rejoice.

I must stop writing now, because I hear her footsteps coming to surrender, and to liberate us. So I will sign off now, refusing to gloat in my triumph.

Wait, what's happening? She's doing something on her smart phone...she's posting an ad on Craig's List...if I could just...make out what it says...wait...

"Four cats seek loving homes. $50 per cat--we pay you."

NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!


[Human note: This is a dramatization of a TRUE story. Well, except for the Craig's List part. But yes, my computer is dead, and I have to buy a new one. I love my cats. I love my cats. I love my cats...]

6 comments:

  1. OMG! I think I would have cried. You did a brilliant job of partaking the cat's perspective.

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    1. Let's just say that feels of all sorts were involved, lol. Somehow I never thought that the hidden cost of new pipes would be another new computer. The worst part was, for a brief time, the hard drive looked like we weren't going to be able to retrieve the data. Luckily, it was repairable enough to get what I needed off of it. I back-up most things pretty religiously, but I hadn't put the day before's work on my cloud, and I hadn't backed up my nail videos (I have about 6 waiting to go). It wouldn't have been a complete disaster in terms of data loss, but it wouldn't have been fun. :(

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  2. Oh gosh.. I greatly admire your ability to find humour in this situation, but this is just.. gah, it just shows your grand love for your furry ones & your patience. :) *hug*

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    1. 'Gah' is definitely right, lol. I did take a few moments to fantasize about shaving them and giving them funny-looking mohawks...I think I might have even threatened them with it...and then I realized that I just learned the hard way that never again will any liquid be in spilling range of my computer again, lol. I should have known better and I certainly do now. :)

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  3. Seen the movie Cats and Dogs ?
    This is kinda like that. The story seen from the Cats perspective.
    Now, if we only knew what the dog was up to while all this happened to his beloved Mommy...

    Love your stories Mishka, keep up the good work. :)

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    1. ROFL!!!! You know, I did see that ages ago. I took my nieces and nephews to it. I remember one very evil cat, voiced by Sean Hayes maybe? Anyway, I would write a piece from the dog's perspective, but I have a feeling it would pretty much be a continual loop of this: "Gee, I wish I had more food...I think I'll chew on my toy...gee I wish I had more foo--BIRD!--Gee I wish I had more food....I think I'll chew on my toy..." lol!

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