Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Mama said there'd be days like this...

Do you remember the Tasmanian Devil? The one who hung out with Bugs Bunny and when he got annoyed he'd start going 'bbllrrabbbllllrrraapppprrr!!' and turn into a tornado?

I want you to keep that image in your  head. We'll be coming back to it.

I'd love to say that the day started out well, but it didn't really. Today is day two of my pipe-replacement journey, and for the second day, I woke up at 8 am. Now, for those of you who don't know, I am a night owl, and I tend to be up working until at least 2am. Most often, I'm up until 3. So before you get all judgy and play the tiniest violin in the world for me, realize what that means--it means only 5-6 hours of sleep, at the most. If you get up at 6 am, imagine having to get up at 3am, and that's the equivalent. Yes, both nights I tried to go to sleep earlier, but I wasn't able to fall asleep earlier, and I just laid awake unable to fall asleep until it was actually farther past my bedtime than normal. So, to sum up, I'm a little sleep deprived. And I don't wake up well on a good day, when I've had plenty of sleep--I used to have a mug that said 'Just hand me my coffee and back slowly away.' You get the picture.

I got up, and prepped the house. What that means is, the dog has to be out in her dog run, and the cats have to go into a room with me, because 1) they can't be allowed outside, and 2) they'll get in the way of the workers. So I brought them into my 'office' with me, where I sat down to get some work done.

I was excited today because I was going to attend a webinar about writing. I made sure everything was all set up, I had my coffee, and I even had a cozy blanket wrapped around me. Ah, the benefits of working from home. Then the seminar started, and I began to listen. I think these things always start out slowly, which was good, because I hear the workers talking about how the stuff we ordered to put the bathroom into place again won't fit, and new stuff has to be reordered. I don't even have to know how or why, I just know it's going to be expensive. Ah, well, c'est la vie. You have to have working pipes, and that bathroom has to be reassembled afterwards.

I turned my attention back to the webinar, and ignored the chatter. Suddenly, the dog started to bark about something. I don't know what--maybe she saw a cat or a possom or a raccoon in the yard. Maybe some bird was taunting her. Maybe that episode of Cosmos she heard in the background the other day finally registered and she was suddenly hit with the vastness of our universe and the absurdity of life when seen from that context. Who knows.

The point is, she went nuts barking, and then, BAM! There's a huge crash against the side of the house. Perhaps it was the cat or possom or raccoon escaping. Perhaps it was a canine suicide attempt in the face of deep philosophical questions about why we're all on this planet.

Whatever it was, it scared the booboo-jeebies out of the cats, who all jumped simultaneously. Keep in mind that my cats are ninjas, and when they jump, they don't just jump--they leap up walls and furniture. So, when they jumped at the scary noise, the fear was reinforced by the sight of three other cats leaping around them in their peripheral vision. So they each understandably tried to run away from the other cats that were leaping and jumping around them.

Okay, now is when I want you to call in that visual of the Tasmanian Devil.

There were  four cats, all trying to out-run each other, and all doing it up at the top of the room. From the top of one bookcase to another, off the lamp, off the top of the desk, banking off walls, off the top of the shoe rack hanging from the back of the door, all faster than the eye can see and the brain can register. Knocking everything down that was stupid enough to be in their path--pictures, printer paper, the shoe rack and all the shoes, small tchotchkes, magazines, my phone, and most important of all: my beloved Starbucks mocha.

I waited for a few seconds assuming they'd each find a spot of sanctuary to hide behind, before realizing that nope, this tilt-a-whirl was self-sustaining. While each thought the other three were chasing them, they were gonna keep running. And leaping. And destroying.

I should probably mention that this is a pretty darn small room, and I am sitting in (roughly) the middle of it, while four cats are dashing around my head at hyperspeed, claws extended, freaking out. And all I know is that if I move a muscle, I'm most likely going to be shredded. Or peed on. Or both.

Let's pause for a moment to do a little math. Each cat has four paws, each of which has five claws. There are four cats. Four times four times five = eighty. 80 claws, all whirling around my head. I've never been so glad in my whole life not to own any polydactyl cats.

I have no idea why I thought this would work. In retrospect, it was probably a fairly stupid thing to do, but you know how it is at the spur of the moment. I put my hands up and said sternly, in a loud voice just below a yell: CALM. DOWN.

And they did.

Holy crap, they actually did. 

They each went to their metaphorical corners. I looked at them, and they looked out at me with accusatory faces, like I'd been the cause of the whole thing, and I owed them an apology. They looked around, and I swear if they'd been able to speak, they would have said "Damn, what a huge mess! You better get to cleaning this up!"

And they did have a point, so I got to cleaning. I sopped up the mocha, started picking up all the things they'd knocked over, and realized that one of them had voided their bladder while in flight. There was a series of little puddles all around the edge of the room, like the trail of bread that Hansel & Gretel laid down to find their way back home, but only if it was incredibly disgusting and led directly to the depths of hell. For the next half hour, I fell in love all over again with my old friend, the Lysol spray can.

After that, I pried one of the cats off the far corner of the bookcase where he'd tried to become one with the wall, and attempted to bring him out of his dissociative fugue state with a can of his favorite yummy noms. Bupkis. He stared at me like I was the devil and he wanted to shred my face. He is still, at this very moment. It's very disconcerting.

What's the moral of the story? I believe it's this:

Thank goodness the webinar was free.


© Michelle M. Chouinard 2014 All rights reserved.




52 comments:

  1. Laughing my big butt off rolling on the floor wet my panties laugh out loud!!!
    That was SO funny it deserved all the typing the above required. Well done! <3

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    1. Thank you! I had to focus on the funny side of it...They're all still jumpy and the one is still really re-evaluating his priorities in life...

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  2. oh hehehehe. amazing. That is by far the most interesting start of a day i have ever heard anyone have

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    1. Interesting is definitely one word for it, lol! After much reflection, I think the fact that I was sleep deprived worked in my favor because it slowed my reactions down just enough that I was about to actually process the situation instead of freaking out...>.<

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  3. I'm sorry, but that is hilarious!! If it had happened to me I would've been furious in the moment, but reading back on it is so good! I totally pictured that whole thing happening... oh gosh. Poor you!

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    1. Thank you so much! I tend to find the humor in things, or I'll curl up in a ball and cry, lol! ;-)

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  4. You're a hilarious story teller, and had me laughing out loud for sure. I am frightened to death of cats - every cat. Even my Brothers new kitten who is "like a dog", but no... like you described. The darn cats are ninjas and can fly like bats in the middle of the night into the top bunk of where you are sleeping, rolling around, purring at you as loud as possible.

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    1. Thank you so much!! Yes, it's true, cats can be ninjas, especially when you're not expecting it, lol!!

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  5. Cats!! I feel your pain! I was laughing as you described them flailing around the room. Sorry they hit the mocha though. That's a bummer

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    1. Yes!! The loss of the mocha was tragic!! But I held a little memorial service, focused on the good minutes we had together, and came to terms with the loss...sigh...

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  6. I am so glad I am not the only one who has had to clean up the trail of cat pee. OMG. It is the worst!

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  7. Hahaha...this was a good story! I am not a cat person myself, especially because I am afraid of their ninja like movements.

    Thrifting Diva
    www.thriftingdiva.com

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  8. I'm glad you made it out alive. I have two insane cats so I can just imagine four going nuts at one time.

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    1. See, I've had to learn the hard way that four is two cats too many. More cats than hands = no bueno.

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  9. oh man!! i can't imagine. we have two cats, and sometimes we think they are a handful. also, i've been meaning to watch cosmos!

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    1. LOL! Just don't let your dog watch it...>.>

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  10. so funny! you remind me of how i was in a recent webinar haha!

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  11. haha, I am sorry but this is hilarious! Great story

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  12. I literally couldn't stop laughing while reading this. You have just made my day and I am now going to send this to all my loved ones to give them a giggle this morning.

    Thank you for sharing!

    Katie <3

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    1. Yay!!! I'm so glad it made you laugh! Thanks for sharing it. :)

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  13. Oh my gosh that sounds like quite the morning! 5-6 hours of sleep is what I typically run on with 2 kids but I know it can totally throw you off when you are used to more!

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    1. My adviser in graduate school only needed 4 hours of sleep...no idea how she did it. If I get less than 8, my body parts band together and go on strike...

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  14. This is actually quite funny! At least now when you can look back on it. :)

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    1. Thank you! Yes, retrospect makes things much funnier, lol. :)

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  15. This legit made me spit out my coffee

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    1. LOL!!! I'm sorry for the lost coffee, but glad you enjoyed it!! :)

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    1. Thank you! So am I...I live in earthquake territory, but this was waaay more scary, lol!

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  17. Ha! This is a great post. Soooo funny!
    Have a great weekend!

    Dee from www.thecsiproject.com

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  18. I would have been so mad, but it definitely made for a good story!

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    1. The things that came out of my mouth while I was cleaning up the cat pee weren't g-rated, lol!!! :)

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  19. hahahaha not sure if i would have been mad or laughed lol

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    1. LOL, exactly! I had to laugh or I would have cried...::shudders::

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  20. I love those moments where you look back and it's just hilarious! :)

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    1. One of those stories you tell to your grandkids, and they're like "Grandma, you're lyin' that never happened!" LOL. :)

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  21. Bahaha! Looking back it's hilarious!

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  22. haha. I'm sorry that happened to you - but I'm sure looking back it was funny!

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    1. Thank you! Yes, it was. All except for fugue kitty, I did feel pretty badly for him...

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  23. I can so imagine this happening in my brain. Cats totally go for mob hystery, they just feed each other with that "huge-monster-is-just-behind-us-and-going-to-eat-us-alive" feel. And then when they calm down it's all your fault. Yes, I can imagine the accusatory looks. How dared you scare us like that, what ever where you thinking doing something like that to us!

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    1. Yes! Yes!! Exactly!!! Somehow it was all my fault--BAD HUMAN! :)

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  24. oh that was SO funny! You are a fantastic story teller. I could listen to you tell stories all the time!

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    1. Thank you thank you! I really appreciate that. :) :) :) <3

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  25. I needed this laugh before I go to bed! Thanks for ending my night on a good (funny) note. :)

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  26. Haha stoppp it hahaa. I really enjoyed this!!!

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